A letter writer to a local paper recently lamented that there is an alarming trend of local girls marrying Caucasians because these Western men usually have better careers, live in bigger condominiums and drive bigger cars. Everything also bigger.

The writer also believes that local women are going with these Ang Mohs because they can get overseas citizenship easier and the girls think the Caucasians treat women with more respect than local men do.

I must say I am alarmed. How can these local girls not see the tremendous appeal of local men, who are family-minded and obedient? According to the letter-writer's in-depth analysis, our women are going instead for these loose-living foreigners who are not interested in the 5Cs (although they have career, condominiums and car already, by sheer coincidence), who may not be interested in marriage and kids and are only good at being sophisticated, well-spoken and opinionated.

It is time for the Government to step in here. Foreigners are not just taking our jobs, dammit, they are taking our women!

The Government should consider making it against the law for local women to date foreign men, unless they have valid medical reasons. Because I think it is only under the compulsion of law, can the modern Singapore woman learn to appreciate the finer qualities of local men.

Local men need all the help they can get. They have already lost two and a half years married to their military wife, the M16 rifle. In that space of time, our women get to taste the fruit of foreign men who do not need to serve NS. And our men are left fondling their gun.

Hopes were further dashed when the Ministry of Defence declared that women are unlikely to serve NS with the boys any time soon, because they are not needed and anyway the military cannot afford to pay their salaries and house them. Many felt that if the women served NS, the local boys might have gotten a chance to socialise and mingle with them after a sweaty IPPT (Individual Physical Proficiency Test) session, or to share a joke or two over a night snack. But it doesn't look like that avenue is going to open for now.

I think besides relying on the Government and their mothers, local men need to be pro-active too and try to make themselves more attractive to local women. Learn to dress better, like making sure your socks match your belt. No white socks unless you are playing badminton.

Be more conversationally adept and try to talk about something else other than work and soccer. Touch on foreign celebrities, like Ali G, once in a while, to show that you are with "it".

Get a Western name, like Jack or John. But avoid adding a "son" at the back of it. For some reason, Westerner-loving local girls do not think "Jackson" or "Johnson" are hip first names and associate them with Ah Bengs. Perhaps because they are also meant to be Western last names and Johnson means something rude in some Western countries.

The HDB has a similar problem. People are shunning their new flats in places like Sengkang and Punggol 21. They will stop building five-room flats because there are about 10,000 unsold ones, left on the shelf (like Singapore men).

People are shunning them because the estates are too ulu, or remote and backward (like Singapore men) and also because the downturn has made these larger flats too expensive (this part is not like Singapore men, because local men are cheap).

Case in point, recently some people have complained that LRT stations in Sengkang are named badly. Some of the station names are Kangkar, Renjong and Thanggam. I can see how such heritage names lack the hip and Western touch (like Singapore men). No wonder people say the estates are ulu. So let's forget about trying to retain some history and heritage in our new estates.

We should instead try to name our estates with culturally relevant names like Compassvale, Fernvale, Rivervale, Edgevale Plains, Edgefield Plains. It makes our HDB flats sound less like public housing and more like private estates. This is key to our men winning local women, who like foreign guys because they live in private condos.

Besides, Singapore has many dales, vales and plains and we used to be a British colony. Come on, even our university is called Kent Ridge. Many of these street names are found in Punggol estate, where the many unsold flats are. I think it is a step in the right direction, because Western sounding street names will help sell flats.

In fact, who was the genius who came up with Edgefield Plains and Edgedale Plains anyway? I would like to shake his hand. Who cares that people do not remember the middle syllables (they remember the Edge and the Plains, everything else in between is static). The important thing is that the names are Western-sounding and hip.

Need more street names? Maybe we can try Edgedale Fields and Edgefield Dale.

Now that I think about it, Edgefield is a great Western name for local men to adopt. Edgedale Lim and Edgefield Tan will be chick-magnet names, I tell you.

It will get you into our future Sentosa casino, if it ever gets built. As Trade and Industry Minister George Yeo said: "We don't want the man going there after work or the housewife going there when she is free in the afternoon. So there must be controls on who can gain access to the casino."

"And if you are not of a certain economic class, you should not even think of going there. You should confine yourself to 4D, Toto or horse racing," he said.

In Singapore, not just hospitals, even casinos will have means testing.

So if you Singapore men want to impress the girls with your Western name, Western apartment and casino lifestyle, get your economic class sorted out. Or you will be left with the housewife who buys 4D when she is free in the afternoon instead of the sassy young thing who plays Blackjack at Sentosa in her thong.

mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He lives in an estate called Lorong Ah Soo, which is why he never got the chicks when he was younger.


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